Supporting a Grieving Person
Helping others through grief, loss, and bereavement
Segments from HelpGuide.org/articles/grief-loss/supporting-a-review-person.htm
It’s often hard to know what to say or do when someone you care about is grieving. You may be afraid of introducing, saying the wrong thing, or making the person feel even worse. Or maybe you feel there’s a little you can do to make things better. While you can’t take away the pain of the loss, you can provide much – needed comfort and support. There are many ways to help a grieving friend or family member, starting with letting the person know you care.
Helping a grieving person: Listen with compassion.
Almost everyone worries about what to say to a grieving person. But knowing how to listen is much more important. Oftentimes, well-meaning people avoid talking about the death or mentioning the deceased person, but the bereaved need to feel that his or her loss is acknowledged, that it’s not too terrible to talk about, and his or her loved won’t be forgotten.
While you should never try to force someone to open up, it’s important to let the bereaved know he or she has permission to talk about the loss. Talk candidly about the person who died and don’t steer away from the subject if the deceased’s name comes up. When it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions-without being nosy-that invite the grieving person to openly express his or her feelings. Try simply asking. “Do you feel like talking?”
• Accept and acknowledge all feelings. Let the grieving person know that it’s okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don’t try to reason with him or her or she should or shouldn’t feel. The bereaved should feel free to express his or her feelings without fear or judgment, argument, or criticism.
• Be willing to sit in silence. Don’t press if the grieving person doesn’t feel like talking. You can offer comfort and support with your silent presence. If you can’t think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a re- reassuring hug.
• Let the bereaved talk about how his or her loved one died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens.
Offer comfort and reassurance without minimizing the loss. Tell the bereaved that what he or she is feeling is okay. If you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience, if you think it would help. However, don’t give unsolicited advice, claim to “know” what the person is feeling, or compare your grief to his or hers.
Helping a grieving person: Watch for warning signs.
It’s common for grieving person to feel depressed, confused, disconnected from others, or like he or she is going crazy. But if the bereaved person’s symptoms don’t gradually start to fade-or they get worse with time-this may be a sign that normal grief has evolved into a more serious problem, such as clinical depression.
Encourage the grieving person to seek professional help if you observe any of the following warning signs after the initial grieving period, especially if it’s been over two months since the death.
• Difficulty functioning in daily life
• Extreme focus on the death
• Excessive bitterness, anger, or guilt
• Neglecting personal hygiene
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Inability to enjoy life
• Hallucinations
• Withdrawing from others
• Constant feelings of hopelessness
• Talking about dying or suicide
It can be tricky to bring up your concerns to the bereaved person as you don’t want to be perceived as invasive. Instead of telling the person what to do, try stating your own feelings: “I am troubled by the fact that you aren’t sleeping–maybe a doctor’s visit would help.”
Take talk of suicide very seriously
If a grieving friend or family member talks about suicide, get professional help right away. IN A LIFE–THREATENING EMERGENCY, CALL 911 OR YOUR COUNTRY’S EMERGENCY SERVICE NUMBER.
Supporting a child through grief and bereavement
Even very young children feel the pain of bereavement, but they learn how to express their grief by watching the adults around them. After a loss, particularly of a sibling or parent, children need support, stability, and honesty. They may also need extra reassurance that they will be cared for and kept safe. As an adult, you can support children through the grieving process by demonstrating that it’s okay to be sad and by helping them make sense of the loss.
Answer any questions the child may have as truthfully as you can. Use very simple, honest, and concrete terms when explaining death to a child. Children–especially young children–may blame themselves for what happened and the truth helps them see they are not a fault.
Open communication will smooth the way for a child to express distressing feelings. Because children often express themselves through stories, games, and artwork, encourage this self-expression, and look for clues in those activities about how they are coping.
